Salsa, presents, and wine

Cheers!  This is to friendship, motherhood, Santa Clause, baby Jesus, and happiness.  Raise your glasses for a toast...because I'm sure gonna.  Have you ever had one of those days where you just needed a glass of wine to make the night better?  One of those days where the kids spent the entire day screaming and running around like banchees?  All you nonparents...one of these days, prepare yourselves.  It takes nerves of steel to raise kids without rearing back and beating the living shit out of them.  No, it's not just me...this is based on well-documented research. 

Yesterday was just one of those days.  I was so excited to have my little girl home from school so that we could go shopping and bond and have some mommy and me time.  But was she with that program?  Of course not....best laid plans and all.  We spent most of our day arguing and fighting, me trying to get her to stop whining for stuff at Wal-Mart...(yes, we were there again, but that's a completely different story).  By the time we got back home, both of us had cried, yelled, and Mommy had sworn like a sailor and pulled my own hair out.  We had quite a day.  I got home to a dirty house and two cranky children, because by this time I had picked up my son from daycare.  And in 10 minutes company was coming!  Presents were to be exchanged, but where were the presents?   Oh, shit!  Not wrapped, of course not.  So I rush to the room, hastily (and I might add crappily) wrap the presents for our friends.  Not 30 seconds later the doorbell rings. 

My friends walk in with their two small children and we quickly get to the present swap.  The kids immediately begin to fight over whose present is whose.  I can feel a migraine coming on.

Dinner is almost done, so after getting the kids to come inside, we set up the table for our kids, and as my friends are about to go to dinner, their oldest decides she wants to stay.  Me, being the wonderful person that I am (haha), offer to keep her while they go out to eat.  They readily agree (who wouldn't??).  So we all sit down to dinner, and the kids entertain us with their witty banter back and forth, especially the two year olds who seem to be speaking their own language. 

There is a knock at the door.  Oh yes, another two year old!  I will now be the keeper of 3 two year olds and a 4 year old.  Because I'm either that nice, or that fucking crazy.  Did I mention that I still needed to clean my house? 

So, as the kids get down from the table and start to terrorize myself, the dog, and all of the poor stuffed animals in the house I pause for a moment to let the migrain intensify.  This is definitely going to be a wine night. 

There is still so much to be done, but at that exact moment I make an executive decision.  There will be no cleaning tonight.  I will purchase a nice bottle of red wine and wrap presents.  Yes.  That will be a wonderful way to end the evening.  And as I wrapped presents and stared at the growing pile of good intentions stacking up under the tree I smiled to myself.  I realized that the excitement of my children waking up on Christmas morning was well worth the craziness that the holidays provides.  Headaches and empty wallets are nothing compared to the joy that will be sure to come when my in-laws get to see the kids.  And although my days are overwhelming and sometimes I want to run away to the Bahamas where nobody knows me and I can have hot hate sex (thank you Kathryn Heigl) with random strangers, I would never actually do that.  A spoonful of vodka (or wine) makes the medicine go down.

Back by popular demand!

Well, the stress is high and the funds are low.  That's my story, and most others out there this Christmas.  Although, I do have to say, I have spent waaaaaaay to much money this year.  Christmas is my favorite holiday, so I have a tendency to splurge even when there isn't enough to go around.  My children don't really understand, however.  They just seem to think that the presents come because they come.  And there is no questioning that fact.  I love giving them gifts, but at the same time I want to instill a sense of gratitude into them.  In order to do just that, I tried to explain Toys for Tots to my daughter. 

"So, we give toys to all the boys and girls who might not get any otherwise."  Mom

"They might not get toys?  Were they bad?" Daughter

"No, not bad.  Santa just doesn't always have enough to go around." Mom

Do you see where this conversation is going?  How do we teach our kids that they should be grateful for their gifts and that Santa is real?  Because if Santa is real, then he should bring EVERY child a present who was good.  And if that kid isn't getting a present, isn't it because he or she was bad?  And if they weren't bad, why isn't Santa bringing them a present?  It's very circular.

In the end I just stopped trying to explain it.  I mean, in a 4 year old's mind, the whole world still revolves around them.  So why bother trying to convince her that it doesn't?  She'll learn, and we'll still do the donations to Goodwill and Toys for Tots.  When she's big enough she'll be helping me volunteer at the soup kitchen.  Until then, we'll work on gratitude in different ways.  Like those trips to the McNasty's playplace.  Those are terms that she understands.

I need a crystal ball

Man, I wish I had a manual for life.  I swear, when I first started out I knew everything.  I remember being 16 and having all of the answers.  Answers that, somewhere along the way, were lost.  I no longer have them.  They are gone.  It may be all of the alcohol I have consumed in my life, but I swear I used to have answers and no longer do.  My children, however, now they know the answers.  Check this out...the following answers come from my 4 year old daughter.  She's pretty hilarious.

What makes the world go round?  Well, if something shakes the world goes around.  And that's what makes the world go around.

Why is the sky blue?  Because the sun is up!

What makes a mommy happy?  Uhhhh...if she has a daughter and a son.  And if you get to sleep in.

What makes mommy mad?  Weeeellll...when Ethan doesn't listen.

What makes Daddy happy?  Ummm, when he gets to sleep in.

What makes Daddy mad?  Umm, when Ethan doesn't be good.

Why does the dog talk to us?  She doesn't talk!  She is not a person.  She's just a dog, she cannot talk real.
But I know the best way why she talks to us...because she wants to go outside!

Why does Santa Clause use a sleigh?  Because he doesn't have a car!

How come when we bounce on the trampoline we don't stay up in the air?  Maybe because the kids can't jump up way high?

Why do babies cry?  Cause they're babies.

What's your favorite thing about mommy?  Because I love you.  That's my favorite thing about you.


So, the next time I need an answer, I'm coming to her.  She's got great answers with no barriers.  I wish I could go back in time and remember all the things I don't know now.  That's it for now...back to studying for me!

The Bedroom Circus

The alarm clock went off this morning playing Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.  I reached over to slap it off and my daughter said, "Hey, I like this Christmas song!" 

First of all, what was she doing in my bed?  And no wonder I was so cold last night; the little thief took all of the blankets and piled them on top of herself.  Do you have this same problem?

I go to bed at night with just myself and my husband, both having plenty of room in our gloriously ginormous California King Size pillow top bed.  By the morning there is virtually a guarantee that we will have at least one extra set of legs in our bed, if not 4.  (Four feet belong to the dog).  This prohibits the REM cycle from being able to ever be completely fulfilled, at least for me.  My husband can sleep through a tornado, as evidenced by the amount of times that he ever got up with our kiddos when they were newborns.  Mom: 765.  Dad: 13.  Do you see a bit of disparagement here?

I love my children, I love my dog, but I swear I can't wait for the day that I don't have to play a game of Twister in my own bed each night.  It truly turns into a three ring circus.  They all have their own little ways of keeping me awake too.  For my oldest, it is the art of pushing Mommy all the way to the edge of the bed.  She is a lanky little thing, and for a 4 year old, she sure can take up a lot of space.  She can't move Daddy though, oh, no.  Gotta be shoving our way through Mommy's side.

My youngest always starts out really cute.  He bangs his way through the door with his little tears crying about a monster in his room, so naturally I scoop him up and hold him close.  Somewhere throughout our attempted sleeping, however, this little boy turns into a monster himself, the bed monster.  He loves to turn himself completely sideways, laying with his feet in Daddy's face, and his head on top of mine.  Now, at least this one involves my husband getting in at least a bit of the unpleasantness.

Then we come to the worst culprit of all:  the dog.  She is the ringmaster.  I swear she facilitates herself and both of the kids.  They probably have meetings about who will go where in the middle of the night.  She is a pit bull, who is 59 pounds of love, wrapped in muscle.  She only uses this muscle for evil at bedtime.  I love my dog, I love her so so so much, but she has this ridiculously Herculean way of wrestling the blankets off of me and shimmying her way completely up the bed and forcing herself in between my husband and I.  That dog is worse than two children at the same time.

I do remember what it was like to sleep all alone.  It was beautiful.  One day I'll get that back.  But by then I'll probably miss the bedroom circus.

Christmas fundraising???

Why is it that schools feel like parents should be their ultimate fundraisers?  I mean, my daughter is in Pre-K, and she brings home all sorts of things that we are supposed to do, or sell, or make, etc. No offense to the school system, but I've got my own bills to pay.  I can't afford a $35 candle and neither can my friends.  And why would I buy one for that price when I saw the exact same one at Wal-Mart for $15?

Maybe that makes me a shitty parent because I'm not "supporting" my kid's school, but I truly don't feel that I should have to.  I do feel that I can bring in kleenex, and crayons, and things that teachers have to pay out of pocket for.  Those things are necessities that the teacher shouldn't have to take care of, but I'm not supporting the building fund through soliciting my friends and family to buy a bunch of crap that they really don't want. 

Maybe I'll make my own fundraiser for my family's bills and send it to school with my daughter so that she can solicit the teachers.   Oooh...little tiny bottles of vodka that the teachers can keep in their desk drawers for those days that they really want to shake the shit out of the kids...that ought to be a success!

Dear Santa,

Please send our school systems more money so that they can stop trying to take mine.  Thanks!

A concerned parent.

Teaching manners...

When do kids get the grateful gene back?  Because my two kids are CONVINCED that the world revolves around their every want and whim.  And I swear we don't spoil them!  Sure, they have everything that they need, but we definitely don't give them everything that they want.  Well, not everything.  And much of what they do have is second-hand...I see nothing wrong with yard sales and thrift stores, ok?  They grow out of toys and clothes soon enough anyway. 

My oldest is convinced that Santa is bringing her a guitar for Christmas.  And you know what?  He is.  But the fact that she already knows in her little heart that it's coming makes me want to take it back.  Remember how I told you yesterday that she says she is a rock star?  She really really really thinks that she is.  Or that she will be at some point anyway.  

We do a lot for our kids.  I want to make sure that they have lots of memories and traditions that they can look back into their childhood and find comfort from.  But sometimes I am concerned that I do too much.  Just how spoiled is too spoiled?  I don't like spoiling them with stuff, persay, but we do a lot of activities together as a family.  Part of this is also to get them away from the ever-alluring Dora and Diego that Grandpa insists MUST be on at all times if the kids are anywhere near the television. 

And why do we think that the TV is something that has to be turned on all the time?  We act like people can't live without television.  As if there was never a time that TV wasn't the center of all households.  And we complain that we don't have enough time in the day, but I bet you didn't miss this week's episode of Glee...I know I didn't!  We want more "family time" and yet we forget that a family game of Scrabble can be much more fulfilling and entertaining than the latest movie by Timothy Burton.

So yeah, we spoil our kids, but mostly with wrestling, or a game of football in the front yard, or hide and seek, or dance classes.  We'll probably throw in some guitar lessons next month...pending Santa brings that guitar.  I really hope that someday my kiddos will look and me and remember to say thank you without having to be prompted first.  They are the ones who will have to wipe my ass when I get old, and I'm definitely thinking about that now.

But for now, I'll just be content with knowing that they really have plenty of love in their lives.  Teaching them how to build relationships and love as many people as they can is probably the most important thing that we can give to them as parents.  And that is just what we will continue to do for the rest of their little lives.  Because they'll never remember the camera that they got that one Christmas, but they will remember that we always read the real Christmas Story on Christmas Eve.  And they probably won't remember how many items were in their stocking, but they'll remember hot chocolate while they decorate the Christmas tree every year.  That monster truck will eventually go into the trash, but the friend who gave it to my son will always be in his memory.  And they won't remember how many cookies they ate, but they will remember that mommy will bust their asses if they don't ask first.  Tradition.  That's where it's at.

Rock stars should be spoiled

My daughter is a diva.  Pure and simple.  I remember the day she looked at me after I called her princess.  She gave me this shitty look and said, " I am NOT a princess.  I am a Rock Star."  Oh.  My.  Gawd.

This was the day I realized that she would eventually out diva me.  God forbid she makes it past 18...she is going to take over the world. 

I've been trying to convince the little rock star to pierce her ears for a couple of years now.  Up until the other day she would yell at me, " I AM NOT GETTING MY EARS PIERCED!!!  THAT WILL HURT SOOOO BAD!"  So I laid off, thinking that she would come to it in her own time.  That day finally came. 

She was on the computer playing pbskids.org when she asked me out of the blue, "Mommy, if I pierce my ears, will it hurt?"

I am not one to lie to my children, so I told her," Yes, it will hurt, but only for a minute." 

She's a smart little cookie, so she said, "And then it will hurt again, cause they'll do the other ear, right?"

"Yes, baby, but only for a minute."

"So it will hurt two times only for a minute?"

"Yes baby."

She looks around for a minute, pondering whether the pain would be worth the beauty.  Finally, just like the rest of the women in the world who wear high heels, she decided that the beauty was worth the pain. 

"Can we go today?"

Now, I am jumping with glee on the inside.  We pierced her ears as a baby, but had to remove them because she pulled on the right one and it got infected.  So I am over the moon that my baby has decided to get them pierced on her own.  I love the idea of dressing up my own little baby doll.  Although she's more of a tomboy with a slight fashion side.  Still cute as hell though. 

We get to Claire's at the mall and she picks out some really cute diamond flowers.  She is practically falling out of the chair with fear, but manages to sit still until she sees the gun in the lady's hand.  I calm her down by holding her hand and she sits still for the first ear.  CLICK!

I've never seen a child's face turn that red that quickly.  She screams like a rhino giving birth.  I checked her ear quickly for fear that it had actually been cut off, rather than pierced.  Nope.  Just a pretty little earring.

She tries to pull away, but there are three of us helping hold her in place...she doesn't want the other ear pierced...NO MOMMY IT HURTS!!!! 

She is screaming, but as the lady goes in for the next ear she holds still again.  Amazing.  I really thought we were going to have a single stud for awhile.  But she did it!  She screamed again as she felt the metal go through her lobe.  It lasted for about 2 minutes afterward.  But once she realized how "amazing" (her word, not mine) she looked, she decided to start giggling insanely.  I think she actually could have played a part on Alvin and the Chipmunks. 

I'll have to post the pictures for you later...they speak volumes more than I could.  Yeah, I took pictures.  That's what moms do!  Saving them for posterity.  That or a future boyfriend. 

We've moved on to the topic of tattoos...she says real rock stars have them.  So I offered to take her.  She wanted to know if that would hurt.  I explained in graphic detail how a real tattoo is applied.  She says she'll wait 'til she's 18 for that.  Thank the Lord.  Telling the truth is the best way to prevent your kids from doing the bad stuff.  I can't wait for the talk about venereal disease.  That one is gonna come with a picture book.  Imagine the look on her face when I show her a picture of PID.  Oughta scar her for life.  It should be a hell of a lot better than birth control.