Did you just offer her a martini?

So what?  So what if I did?  I'm not really going to give it to her!  And the fact is, my child has been raised better than that.  She is extremely intelligent, and would never drink a martini if I offered it.  And I'm not really offering it...I'm testing her.  And she knows it.  So mind your business.  The kid won't even drink coffee!

Why is it that everyone thinks that they know how to raise your child?  People, get over yourselves.  Worry about your own children and whether or not we'll see them in an upcoming episode of 16 and Pregnant.  My kids are just fine, even above average.  They are semi-well adjusted, and they love their mom.  (and dad).  So why must you barrage me with your flood of advice as to how I should discipline them?  You don't know what's best for my child...you are not his/her mother!  You do know what is best for your child and I won't be telling you not to give him Coca Cola in that bottle.  That's your business.  Not mine.  I'm certain we are doing well enough with our two little monsters. 

So what if my son gets put into time-out for hitting?  He is TWO!  And a boy!  And a little rambunctious!  I'll bust his ass if I want to...that's not your concern either.  Unless I'm punching my kid in the face you probably have absolutely no right to interfere.  Yes, I discipline my children.  I am not their friend, I am their mother.  And until they are grown and have children of their own who I do not get to make the choices for I will continue to do so. 

Why is that that the lady at the grocery store always gives me a dirty look when my kid is crying in the front of the cart?  Would you rather that I let him run his happy ass around the store, ripping things off the shelves and acting a fool?  I'm trying to raise little contributors to society, not the front page story of the most recent local robbery.  And who is to say that my kids are being denied when I don't let them eat candy every day?  Yes, I took away the Halloween candy.  Call me a bitch, but I don't think that a two and a four year old need to glottonize (is that a word?) themselves on 12 pounds of chocolate just because "it's Halloween...let them do what they want!"  Besides, candy keeps through until Christmas...it's good for stocking stuffers!

You don't see me calling you out when your little princess tells you that she hates you in the middle of Kohl's and you respond by giving her the toy that she grabbed off the shelf.  Go ahead and make her believe that she is Paris Hilton.  It should work out well for her when she grows up.  She'll pout and throw a fit for that new outfit and her sugar daddy will respond in the same manner as mommy did.  But do I call you out on it?  NO!  It's your business! 

So what have we learned here today, ladies and gentlemen?  It's an important lesson, to be sure.  Raise your own children, and stay the eff out of the raising of mine and everyone else's.  Yes, we should notify friends if we feel that their kids are out of control, but it's not really your place to jump in.  We are all going to screw our kids up in one way or another, so let's let the original parents do it themselves.  We don't need assistance from well-meaning but nosy friends along the way.  

Shop attack!

I have decided that I love Thanksgiving dinner, but the real part of Thanksgiving that I love is the morning after.  Yes, that's right....Black Friday.  The day that all of the insane plan a get together at their favorite locations and camp out talking about all of the money that they are sure to save by freezing their asses off standing in line.  I happen to be one of those people, although I don't subscribe to the idea of standing in the cold.  I believe that I can get there 10 minutes after the store opens and it will all be ok.  Or at least, that's what I though prior to this weekend. 

To set the scene you'll have to understand that my friend and I cooked an entire Thanksgiving dinner by ourselves, and then I bartended by myself all night.  I was a bit buzzed by the time we left the bar, and then we headed out to hit the sales.  I managed to piss off my friend by being sleepy, but we went anyway.  Better pissed off than pissed on, I always say.  So we headed to Old Navy, where there was a barrage of manequin looking folks already lined up.  The store was TRASHED.  I can't believe how ridiculous women are!  Okay, I say this, but after we left Old Navy we headed to Target and I became just as crazy as everyone else.  I mean, $2 for a hat and gloves for my daughter?  Better grab three!  Oooh, games on sale for $3.99!  GET IT NOW!!  What is this?  Throwpillows two for $7???  I don't need them but I need them!  I better grab this hoodie now...I'll never find it for $10 again!  OMG...get it! Grab that!  Knock that bitch out of the way! 

We were scrambling like a kid playing hungry hungry hippos...it was absolutely beautiful.  A mad dash for electronics, toys, and other completely unneccesary items was underway.  Did I mention I was buzzed?  This was so much fun!  I had a blast with my friend in Target, but then we hit Burlington Coat Factory and the excitement was immediately gone.  I mean, talk about crash down to sleepless in reality.  Their sales sucked.  The only thing that was good wasn't even good, if you know what I mean.  Boots for $9, but they looked like if you wore them for more than 5 minutes you would have a blister covering the entire base of your foot.  Yuck.  We immediately retreated for home. 

After a few hours of much needed sleep, my husband and I took the kiddos to Wal-Mart, where I got to deal with a wonderful barrage of, Mommy can I have's.  You mom's out there know what I'm talking about.  Thank God my wonderful husband intervened and took the kids to the fish display.  Why is it that fish can keep my kids entertained for hours?  And Wal-Mart fish at that.  They're not even that great.  But I got some serious shopping done.  It put a nice dent into my wallet, but that's what you're supposed to do at Christmas, right? 

That's my Black Friday story.  Please tell me about yours...I only had to shove one person, but I know there are crazier people out there reading my blog.  See you tomorrow!

Gobble gobble

With Thanksgiving right around the corner, and by around the corner, I mean tomorrow, I wanted to get a little more serious in my blog.  Okay, I know that I'm not really much of a serious person, but I still wanted to make a little list of things I am thankful for this year.  It's been a tough year, with lots of bumps in my family's path, so I thought I'd cheer myself up by reminding myself just how lucky I truly am. 

So, here is my top ten of why I am thankful:

10.  My children made it through another year without mommy going neurotic and giving them subdural hematomas.  Congratulations to them! 

9.  I am still in college.  I know I'm on the 10 year plan, but I haven't quit (recently).

8.  There is plenty of food in my cupboards, as anyone can tell from my ever growing collection on butt dimples.

7.  I have money in the bank.  Not enough to cover a real emergency, but at least I'm not in the red...for now.

6.  My father is still in good health.  That son of a bitch will outlive all of us.

5.  My husband and I are still together.  This is no small miracle people...I'm a mean mamma jamma on my best days.  He's pretty amazing to put up with me.

4.  Texas Tech won three games this season...I could be depressed that they lost the rest, but we're trying to focus on the good here people.

3.  My wisdom is growing with every blog I write.  HAHAHAAAAAA....

2.  My friends are amazing.  No joke to this.  They are simply amazing.

1.  My life is crazy, errartic, and out of control.  And I'm enjoying every single minute of it.


So that's my list people.  Try it yourself...leave some comments for what you are thankful for.  It's a great way to remind yourself what is truly important this holiday season.  The love of some wonderful, even if a bit nutso, family is something to treasure during those moments that you truly want to off yourself in a graphic Law and Order way.  Life is crazy.  It always will be.  But that's the beauty of it.  You never really know what's going to happen next...and why would you want to?  Nobody wants the ending spoiled!

Happy Thanksgiving people!

Catch the Rainbow!

This morning I got out of bed early.  It was not of my own choosing however.  My 4 year old needed to vomit, and guess who gets to hold her hair back?  MOMMY!!!  Of course.

I HATE BIG KID THROW UP!  It's different than baby spit-up.  I can handle that stuff, but big kid puke is just downright nasty.  And why are my kids sick anyway?  Didn't I do the motherly thing and take them both to get their flu shots?  Yes, of course I did.  I should be the one throwing up...lack of insurance and all.

So I was forced to stay home this morning with my daughter rather than go to class, which actually ticked me off royally.  I really needed to go to my classes today.  The semester is almost over and I don't want to piss my teachers off right before they sit down and decide my final grades.  So I fought with my husband over his job versus my schooling.  I still think my grades are more important than his prick boss.

We finally compromised and he came home at lunch so I could at least go to my afternoon classes.  And here I am in one of them which the professor is in the process of canceling, so now I get to go back home and clean up what is sure to be another rainbow of vomit.  I wonder if my son puking into my hands was what Skittles was talking about when they said "Catch the Rainbow!"  (Yes, this happened yesterday)

Have you ever taken care of a 4 year old who is throwing up every 10 minutes?  It's not fun.  Especially when she refuses to go to the bathroom without accompaniment.  Apparently she can't blow chunks without someone standing behind her, cheering her on.  GO TEAM VOMIT!!!!

I think I'll make myself a drink to partake of while I Lysol my entire house.  Have a great day readers, and think of me, stuck in a messy pile of it if you see a rainbow today.

A not-so-guilty pleasure (or two)

So today I sat down on my couch with my delicious cup of coffee and started browsing the TV to see if anything good was on.  You would think that there should always be something to watch on a TV with over 400 channels plus premiums, but alas, it is not so.  More often than not I search those channels to no avail. 
But back to the story.  I push the recorded TV button, which is my television lifesaver.  The power of the DVR is amazing.  AMAZING. 

Oh!!  Dr. Oz!  I had forgotten that I have been recording these for like a month now.  Ok, ok...yes I am a nerd.  But can you blame me?  That show has some really cool information on it!  Today, (or whatever day it was recorded), Dr. Oz talked about the Big C.  (Which is another good show, by the way).  For those of you who haven't lived on this planet for long, the Big C=Cancer.  Now, I don't know about you, but I'd rather not get cancer.  I'm especially aware because cancer runs in my family.  Although it seems to be more prominent in the people who don't do anything to damage their health, i.e., the good ones.  So maybe I'll be fine.  But I watch Dr. Oz just to find out what sort of preventatives there are. 

Here is a short list for you, my loyal viewers.  There are a few things that you really can do on a regular basis to prevent different types of cancers.  So do it!  Because I want you to keep reading my blog.  I'm a selfish bitch like that.  :)

1.  Drink coffee.  This one is my favorite.  And not decaf.  It must be caffienated for it to be effective.  And the best part about this is that the more you drink, the higher the prevention.  Woohoo!  All these late nights may be reversed by my caffiene habit! 

2.  Eat papaya and cashews.  Dr. Oz said that one papaya per week and 12 cashews per day have some great cancer fighting elements.  So do it!  Fruit and nuts?  I'm all about it...

3.  Brush your teeth.  You nasty asses, brush and floss your teeth!  This is common sense people, plus you help out the rest of the world because we really don't want to smell your disgusting halitosis.  Periodontal disease is a precursor for many different types of head and neck cancers.  It makes your gums softer and more accessible.  Please brush your teeth...we wouldn't want anyone accusing you of having meth mouth.

4.  Don't use the UV nail lights at the salon.  Ladies, you know what I'm talking about.  That little light machine that they put you under to dry your nails after your latest mani and pedi.  Check to see if there is a non-UV alternative.  You're basically baking your nailbeds and inviting melanoma in.  And it also goes without saying that you probably shouldn't bake yourself in a tanning bed either.  I'm just saying.

4.  Drink more beer.  HAHAHA...yes, he really said this.  But not binge drinking people...one beer per day is enough to prevent.  More than that and you can actually increase your risks.

5.  Prevent Diabetes.  We all know that obesity is on the rise and with it so is Type 2 Diabetes.  The scary part about this is that this comes with a hugely increased risk of pancreatic cancer.  That's the awful kind that is usually untreatable and extremely fast.  So you're basically gonna die.  Do us all a favor and get your fat ass outside and exercise.  Or stay inside and do it.  Stop eating all those twinkies and Red Lobster Rolls.  Type 2 Diabetes is PREVENTABLE.  Somebody out there loves your extra large self and doesn't want you dead. 

I was sad to note that neither vodka nor Jack Daniels was on the list of cancer fighters.  Damn.  I don't really like beer much.  Too bad.  Guess I'll try to find some papaya vodka at the liquor store.  I wonder if that would work? 

I might write some more later, but I'm gonna go spend some time with my crazy kiddos.  Take Dr. Oz's advice or not, but I just thought I'd be a friend and pass on the info.  Go have a beer and feel good knowing you're taking care of yourself.


***DISCLAIMER***
I AM NOT A DOCTOR. THIS IS INFORMATION THAT WAS PRESENTED IN A TELEVISION SHOW.  I WILL NOT BE LIABLE IF YOU GET CANCER.  YOU CAN TRY TO SUE ME BUT I HAVE NO MONEY. 



For more information on the topic presented today please visit Dr. Oz's website.  I have no further knowledge in this area. 

Work it girl

We missed school today.  And my son's best friend is hanging out.  So naturally my house is being completely terrorized by all three kids.  I know you're wondering why we all missed school on a Friday, but I can explain! 

And the explanation is.....wait for it....I worked last night.  Expecting something more tragic?  Sorry to disappoint.  Ok, so usually when I work on Thursday nights my husband takes the kids to school so that I can sleep in.  Sounds like a win-win, right?  Well, not today.  He left for work at 6:30, which meant I needed to take both kids.  The problem with this is, I didn't get home until 4:00 a.m.  I wish he would have thought about that before he signed up for the early shift...the old prick. And I'm a bartender who is not discouraged from drinking, most nights even encouraged to drink on the job.  Would you have woken up?  Probably not. I love my job...getting paid to have a good time is alright with me.  And you can't beat the money combined with the hours...unless you're a doctor or lawyer and that's a few years away.

My daughter brought me water before I even asked...how sad is that?  Training her early, apparently.  Lol.  Nah, she's just pretty awesome like that.  My mouth felt like I had swallowed a levy bag full of sand left over from Hurricane Katrina.  Ugh.  Occupational hazard I guess.  So I grab the water and chug it down with the enthusiasm of an ant on a tootsie pop.  Then I fall back into the pillow, which is now wet from the water that missed my intended target. 

MOOOOOMMM!!!  Can I play http://www.pbskids.org/?  Please?  Please please please please.....you know how this goes. 

I tell her yes, and she tries to get online and figure out how to navigate the internet.  She's played plenty of times, but I usually get the URL up for her.  Grandpa is of little help, because he is definitely NOT internet savvy, to put it mildly. 

It's 15 minutes later, and I can hear a meltdown going on in the front room.  I reach for my water, but alas, it is no longer available.  My little cocktail waitress has bigger issues on her hands right now than rehydrating her less than coherent mother.  I roll out of bed and head into the kitchen.  There IS coffee this morning...hooray!!  Coffee is my gasoline.  I truly don't work without it.  I'm kind of a hybrid though...coffee in the mornings, vodka at night.  Another win-win. 

Anyway, I get out of bed, locate PBS online for my daughter, and pour myself some coffee.  It may just be a productive day after all.  I mean, I'm home, so I can at least put a dent into the housework today.  Dinner is already cooking in the crockpot (I got that ready last night...woot woot, go superwoman).  But where do I start?  I can feel myself getting overwhelmed. 

I'll get to the housework in a little bit.  Maybe I'll check my Facebook.  Then that leads to a Google search.  Next comes my blog.  And so here I am, writing for you, ignoring the housework that really needs to be done, but hey...tomorrow is another day, right?  I mean, why do today what you can put off until tomorrow? 

I might just start with a vodka martini rather than the broom.  I did just send the kids outside to entertain themselves...

It's beginning to look a lot like ICE!

So, it's that time of year.  You know what I'm talking about...sleighbells ring, are you listening...silver bells, grandma got run over by a reindeer, all that jazz.  It is also time for the car to be defrosted PRIOR to getting out the front door.  The frost on my windshield was so thick this morning that I almost ran into a parked car.  That asshole shouldn't have parked on my side of the road anyway...doesn't he know that it's frosty outside and I've gotta get these kids off to school? 

We only had one meltdown this morning, about I'm Stinky.  No, I'm not stinky, it's a book title.  A book we could not locate.  A book that is supposed to be returned to school because it is library day today.  My daughter is an avid reader.  So much so that if you deny her love affair with books she feels that it is time to declare World War 3 on mommy.  And so it went this morning.

"Where is your library book?"  (Mom)

"I couldn't find it mommy!"  (Daughter)

"Well, I guess you're not gonna get a new one today from the library...we have to go, we are out of time!"

The tears start gushing from her like I just made her euthanize a brand new puppy...."BUT MOMMMMMMMMMM.......I want a new book today, I just don't know where it is, hic, hic"

Her brother is yelling at me that he "needs" a hat, which he probably does (it's about 32 degrees outside), but since we can't locate that either both children will just have to go without.  I'm running late, and my professor closes and locks the door if you're over 5 minutes late.  My frustration is growing with every hiccup.  

And so we argued, because we all know just how far you can get arguing with a 4 year old.  I finally get out the door, one crying child and one cold and angry child in tow.  I take a deep breath and look at the car.  No way.  It froze last night!  Why didn't I check before we came outside??????  Damn it, damn, damn, damn.  Son of a bitch...all sorts of wonderful curse words are going through my head.  My entire car is frosted over.  And do I have an ice scraper?  Of course not.

So now we sit in the driveway, in a seemingly futile attempt to breathe some warmth into the windshield, the clock tick, tick, ticking away.  My daughter is already 20 minutes late for her class, I am growing more impatient.  I finally give in to stupidity and start to back the car down the driveway.

HONK!!!!!!!!!  Shit...I guess someone else is on MY road this morning.

I gingerly touch the gas again....all clear.  Deep breaths, Krystie.  Deep breaths.  We inch down the street as I try to see the world around the vehicle.  My daughter is still hiccuping in the backseat of the car.  I turn around to attempt to make up with her and as I turn back around I note that my windshield is almost clear and OH SHIT!  Whoops!  I can't believe that car was parked there in that same spot that everyone always parks in...what the hell.  I didn't hit it...I guess that's the good news, or at least for my insurance policy.

I guess I'll stop at WalMart on the way home tonight and pick up an ice scraper and some eggnog.  We'll try this game again in the morning...tonight I've got a hat and a book to locate.

Dance baby Dance

Today will be a good day. That's what I tell myself as my son is banging his matchbox car into the side of my head and yelling "I want to go to school!" I pull myself out of bed and bang my toe on the wall. SHIT! No, today is going to be a good day...

I get to the bathroom and go pee. Where is the toilet paper? Oh my GAWD! Are we really out of toilet paper? My dog is staring at me as I try to find something to wipe my ass with. At least I smell coffee. My son is now banging that same matchbox car on the bathroom door telling me that he now wants raisin bran. I tell him that he can't have cereal because we don't have time, and now he informs me that he doesn't want to go to school anymore. Kids are so fickle.

Now the dog is growling her own "I've gotta pee too" warning. Shit! There's a washcloth...guess I'll have to use that. Better than drip drying. I get up and head into the front room, the dog hot on my heels. She stands at the back door expectantly. She couldn't be more clear if she was doing the peepee dance. I am amused at this point.

Enter my son again. I WANT RAISIN BRAN! C'mon bub, how about a breakfast bar? He thinks about it. Ok. I get his breakfast bar and look at the coffee pot expectantly. Wait, I know I smelled coffee. Why isn't there any coffee????? DAAAAAD!!!!

Ugh. This day is only 20 minutes in and already I'm stressed. I can't drink vodka in the mornings...that's just inappropriate, unless you're tailgating, camping, or on a road trip. Instead I opt to wait for the new pot of coffee to finish percolating and I head in to brush my teeth. But we're out of toothpaste. Crap. Where is the kahlua so I can creamer this coffee?

What do you mean I'm almost 30?

This is officially the first birthday I've ever had that I haven't been uber excited for. I love birthdays. They give the world a day to celebrate the fact that my fabulous self was born. But this year I can see that I am truly getting older. The wrinkles around my eyes are celebrating with me. My kids love when it's anybody's birthday, but I'm pretty sure that just has to do with the fact that there is cake. And why is there cake? After 25 there should be no more cake. Maybe a slim-fast with a candle in it. My thighs do not need any more encouragement to grow, trust me.

I did, however, have an epiphany last night while imbibing about 20 oz of Jack Daniel's (courtesy of my wonderful friends)and having a birthday pity party. Don't worry, I started with vodka soda with a lime. Anyway, the epiphany is.....wait for it......I don't know anymore. I used to think I knew, but the longer I live, the more I realize that there is so much more to know. And there are no right answers. Everyone gets hurt sometime, no matter what you do. So tell the world fuck it and go ahead and live. Love. Drink. Work. Play. Do. Enjoy. Smile. Cry. Watch. Have sex. Create. Believe. Build relationships. Just live. And nobody has the answers you are looking for, not entirely. Find wisdom in finding out yourself. I'm gonna kick back and enjoy a nice mixed drink tonight, and have myself a merry little birthday. :) Happy Birthday to me!

You can call me superwoman.

Yes, superwoman. That's right. I juggle two kids, their school schedules, my own full time student status, a bartending job, and try to keep my house clean. I said try, damn it. Oh, plus a dog, a crazy dad, and tend to my husband's "needs" at the same time. Did I mention that I'm trying to get into law school too? That means I have to network, go to conferences, extra credit, testing...good Lord, I swear there are not enough hours in the day. Oh yeah, and mom, could you bake some cookies for the party at school? And honey, can you do a load of laundry...I'm out of underwear. What do you mean we're out of milk? Could you stop by the store in your "spare time" and pick some up? That project is due tomorrow...maybe I can stay up all night and pull off an A-. Where is the dog? I smell shit! Bubba, I told you to go potty in the toilet! Yes, sis, you're beautiful...all the time (gotta grow that self-esteem early people). Sing me a song, write me a story, help me with my homework (that's my husband talking), take care of me cause' i don't feel good, can we have tator tot casserole for dinner? What's for breakfast? I can't find my socks! Mommy........help me! Don't forget about the dry cleaning. Whose birthday is it today? Better bake a cake! Where are my keys? Can you fill up the gas tank? Dance class on Wednesday! Try to make it to the gym...yeah, right.
If only there were 48 hours in a day and I didn't need to sleep. Oh, wait, I don't! I am superwoman! Sleep is for the weak!

So what if I do all of this at the last minute? Who gives a shit? It gets done. And my kids are somewhat well adjusted. I think. I haven't entirely screwed them up....yet. I'm still working on it. Is 4 years old too early for my daughter to tell me that she hates me? I really though that was going to come during adolescence. Of course, that comes ten minutes before her telling me that I'm the best mom in the world. So maybe I really am doing okay. Or maybe I'm just running myself ragged to prevent myself from thinking about the fact that I can't screw that hot guy because on my good days still feel like a saggy old mom with zero time on her hands trying to make everyone else's life a bit easier. Ha!

Vodka soda with a lime anyone?